John Zeitler

I firmly believe that in each company, somewhere deep in the recesses of the workforce, there exists a guy whose job it is to sit at a desk for eight hours a day and Google the company’s name, over and over again to find out what people are saying. I imagine that this is a thankless job, and that his coworkers all deride him for the task. “Boy howdy,” they say, “I sure wish I could get paid to do nothing productive but surf the web and/or eat Cheetos!” I can envision this man’s sad, lonely existence in his dank cubicle, lit only by the glow of an aging, faded 13 inch CRT. Perhaps he is only viewing this in 800 by 600 resolution. Verily, his (or her) lot in life is to be pitied.

Let me say this, then, to the one who does that job for NIS America: I love you. I love you and your whole company. Your fate is not forgotten, dear friend. I don’t know you, and I don’t hope to ever know you. But I want you to know you’re loved and appreciated. Because you can do something no one else can. You can convey a message to your bosses, a missive that desperately needs transmission: “Thanks for being funny.”

And for you, friend? Well. I promise that if I ever meet you, I will buy you some Cheetos. You’ll have earned them.